I’m Sorry and It will never happen again the famous last words of abuse.

For years I heard these words over and over again it seemed no matter what I did it was never good enough when it came to people who were mentally and plain physically abusive. Trust me when I say I have been in relationships where name calling and screaming at me was a normal thing. I have been in relationships where getting hit and smacked everyday seemed even normal to me. Heck I have even woke up with a person standing over me with scissors to my throat.

If you have a significant other who is mentally and maybe even physically abusive, it seems to become normal to be in those sort of relationships no matter how hard you try to break the patter. You seem to always end up with the same type in the end. I tried to break the cycle many times and I would always seem to get in toxic relationships where mental and physical abuse seemed to be pretty normal for me. I have had mentally abusive exes, physically abusive exes, and exes who would cheat and yes that is a form of abuse because it mentally breaks the person your with if you do cheat. It makes you feel like you were never good enough.

Typically the last words after abuse are I am sorry and I will never do it again. But you know deep down inside them saying sorry, or saying they will never do it again is pretty much a lie. You stick around hoping they will change and even on occasion you will hear from them they will change. They may even go to counseling once or twice to prove they changed. That once or twice is not going to change a person. They are usually putting on a front to try to prove they changed but in the end it is back to the same old abuse again even if it does not happen for few months.

Physical abuse can be anything from pushing a person around to physically beating them bloody, may even be some are so bad that even worse has happened. It pretty much starts with mental abuse to make you feel low like you could never do any better than them, and just when they got you in that spot they will start to control every aspect of your life from when and where your going , down to who your friends are. One of my exes used to tell me all my friends were losers, and I was lucky if I maybe saw them once a month. But usually after they have the control they will go into rages even if it is the most minor things, they will not think about how it affects you, and only how it will benefit them. They want it their way all the time only thinking of themselves. Usually abusers are narcissistic. They do not care about others but only themselves.

I have been to the point of near suicide at times after the abuse because they made you feel no good, and basically you thought you should beg them to stay because you could do no better. This is far from the truth though you do deserve better and once time passes after they are out of your life you will come to realize people like this are toxic human beings. It may take a very long while to realize this sometimes even years. You may even seek professional help which is often a very good idea after dealing with abusers so people besides your family and friends can give you a new view on life and what to look for.

I had exes who would be physically abusive, but another form of abuse is seriously cheating because if you look at it, it makes you feel like you were never good enough that they needed another person to supposedly take care of their “physical needs”. This usually is a sign that in their family one parent or the other of the person cheating was cheating themselves, and is typically a learned behavior somewhere along the line.

I am also going to point out physical and mental abusers also seem to learn this behavior. Although typically they do not realize it they probably saw it in their homes growing up and to them this is normal behavior. I have even had the abusers tell me of physical abuse in their homes and drug abuse in their homes. Some do not even realize it was abuse and will never say a thing until years later after getting some sort of professional help.

We should not accept abuse as normal as victims of domestic abuse, and if it does happen, do not let words like I am sorry, It will never happen again etc… sway you from leaving a toxic situation because if they have done it once, they will probably do it again. You may even find out down the road another person before or after you was a victim of the abuse from the same person. I walked away from a relationship after being abused and told myself never again. I am still holding to that never again.

Realize you are a good person, that you deserve better. Do not let them make you feel worse. If you need to if you are a victim of domestic abuse call your local police department or sheriff. There are also domestic abuse shelters. The only problem with Domestic abuse shelters are they are mainly geared towards helping women who have been abused. But men are abused and I am a good example of that.

Men if you have been abused do not be afraid to step up and say something, it does not make you any less of a man. It just means you are strong enough to say hey I need out of this situation and need help doing so. Abuse can get alot worse no matter if it starts out as small ways of abusing you. Hopefully this will get passed around and shared. I decided to write this even as a man I was abused but for a long time I accepted this as normal. I did not tell people until after I got out of the situation, and this is my first time writing about waking up with scissors to my throat. That same ex would even argue and become physical with my family being in the same home. My mother even threatened to call the police on her and I stopped my mother and told her I could stop her from getting abusive again. But one morning I woke up with scissors to my throat and I still stayed and endured the physical abuse and her infidelity. Although it was not until the very end I learned she was cheating. Which threw me for a loop.

Let me add this one last thing if you are a victim of mental or physical abuse their are always outside resources to help. Do not be afraid to tell someone and seek help. Be strong get up walk away and never look back. I promise in time you will come to realize how toxic that person actually was.

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Making Ty Cobb Human, review of Ty Cobb a terrible beauty by Charles Leerhsen

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So The past few days I picked up a book written by Charles Leerhsen named Ty Cobb a terrible beauty. I always heard stories growing up about how horrible of a person he was. I heard about the fights, the boozing and Ty Cobb being racist. Well being a baseball fan you also heard how he always would slide spikes up to injure other ballplayers intentionally, or how he would file his spikes to a sharp edge. One rumor was that he had killed a man in Detroit, another as many as 3 people he had killed.

Well as i sat reading this book he suddenly became more human. First off lets discuss the racism. Both his Father and Grandfather were abolitionists. He might have let a racial slur slide but never to the press or on the field. As a matter of fact he was one of the leaders for the desegregation of Baseball. He even go to Negro League baseball games throw out the first pitch, and play exhibitions against colored teams of the day. Yes he did get into fights with a few black men and it is documented but never over racism.

Now we come to the fights themselves, yes he got into a few scrapes on the field and a few even with fans, but being from Georgia I feel it was more of defending his honor thing than just because he wanted to fight. Yes I guess several brawls were over base path issues, or a word said about his family. Growing up when he turned 18 his mother had killed his father. So when words were said about his mother he defended her. It is not exactly clear til this day why his Mom truly shot his father. So coming into baseball at an early age and having the family issues he seemed to find father figures in owners and managers he had had. Baseball was also probably a way to get away and not think about those issues 24 hours a day.

He was known for his fierce pace of play and his need to Win. He would get on first and more than likely steal 2nd and 3rd on you and 56 times during his career even stole home. He was able to most of the time when a person hit a single score from 1st. He almost never actually slid with his spikes up. and only one picture exists of him doing this as he was trying to knock the ball out of the catchers mitt and not injure him. Most of the time he said if you watched the basemans eyes you could tell where the ball was coming from and slide away from the tag.

In Field of dreams Joe Jackson says ” Ty Cobb wanted to play but none of us could stand the son of a bitch while he was alive, so we told him to stick it.” The actual accounts most of the guys he played for even if he didn’t like them during the game he became friends with especially Shoeless Joe Jackson.¬† He had had many players talk abouut him and honor him even after his death.

So now to the book after reading this book I got to see the more human side and not the myths and rumors people had started over the years about what an evil man he supposedly was. We get an idea of what the times he played in were like and we get to know the man. I highly suggest this to be read if you are a sports or baseball fan or sports historian, or for the fact just like biographies and history. It is well written keeps to a timeline form Boyhood all the way up until his death and it has a quick pace and I absolutely loved this book and could not put it down.

Being a leader

I have seen many people recently come out to speak on Gun Control, People calling them leaders of their generation. But sometimes I listen and realize that words can fall silent if you do not educate yourself on a subject, or if you do things like speak on gun control, but where the patch of Cuba a communist led nation on your shoulder. I have seen leaders come and go. I have seen people only taught to speak well but when the words come out of their mouths those words mean almost nothing because they are reading a speech written by someone uneducated about a subject.

If we look at people in books what it took to be a good leader was hard work and dedication to whatever profession they were in. They knew when to speak and when to walk away. They knew how to lead people in general. In order for them to be a great leader, they also needed to know how to be a mentor and teach those below them. They knew how to go about business and take that role and make people like and adore them.

We today need those sort of leaders, yet they are far and few between. We need a person who has the drive and the capabilities to make things happen while people will back those because they became educated on the subject before speaking. Sometimes though a leader can also be a quiet type. The type who takes control only when he or she needs to. I have watched so many times leaders speak and repeat the agenda everyone else is pushing. I have watched the verbatim repeat what the news and newspapers tell them day after day, like not an original thought exists in their heads.The reason their words fall silent is because we have heard those same words over and over again, and those words have been so embedded into our brains, that we repeat them like a computer.

We need to take people under our wings as authority figures, parents, and mentors and teach the younger generations what it takes to be a leader. I always hear my own son talk about what he does because his friends do it. I always try to tell him you be the leader, you set the example, but set a good example. I think we have all heard the go to if those words fall silent. If your friends jumped off a bridge would you? We have to look towards what our parents and grandparents went through and taught us. Choose the teacher you liked best and remember how he taught, because he made an impression as a leader. Take a little time each day to teach something new to someone. Make someone smile and laugh, but also know when it is time to be serious.

Growing up, and even as adults we learn from our mistakes and we try to correct even ourselves. We learn from watching what is going on in the world around us and we try to make this world a better place even if it is through a blog, or a Facebook or twitter post. We try to be positive although at times it can be tough when daily we see war, famine, protests, gun violence. We see all these negative things and we post over and over about them. Take for instance when the Florida School shooting took place, even until today about every other post is on that school shooting. although its over a month old now we are still posting the most negative things, and arguing with one another instead of sitting down and figuring out how to solve it.

Well one way to solve this spike in School shootings is quit giving the shooters  attention 24 hours a day 7 days a week. These people are typically narcissistic looking for attention. It is their way to get attention because someone at home or in school did not pay attention to them and they were outsiders and this is their way to fame. Notice since about 1998-99 after Columbine, the school shootings have increased. There is a simple answer why. Well actually 2 reasons i have. The increase in 24 hour a day news providers such as CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS and many more. The other reason being the increase in social media pages such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. When Columbine happened it was the dawn of social media with AOL and AIM, YAHOO, and MySpace. So people now had outlets to get and gain national fame by what they did.

The other thing that bothers me is racial tension. It really does not matter if your White, Black , Asian, Hispanic, or Muslim. Whatever race or religious background you may have it is not a reason to hate one another. We need to stop, we need to look at the person next to you and think of them as equal to you. I always hear the media pushing race baiting. It is sickening because every article somehow almost pushes black against white, or Christianity vs the nation of Islam. STOP!!!! We are all one people, one nation, one world and it is time to come together as such. Quit letting the media mold you. Quit letting social media mold you. You are individuals with your own thoughts and emotions. But before you speak make sure you get educated on the subject you are speaking on. Look up statistics, look up history of whatever your subject you are speaking on. Make sure you make valid points and just not spew the same stuff the media spews over and over again. Become a leader, a mentor, and a teacher to a younger generation. Teach them and make sure they are the leaders of tomorrow who will be our change.

Well hopefully this made sense and you were able to follow along a bit and heed some of what I said. You do not have to agree, you can debate me, but part of debating is staying away from the name calling I see everyday on Facebook and other social media outlets. You do not have to name call in order to get a valid point point across. Thank you for listening or reading my rants and raves…

 

Facebook, A buffet of love or cheaters.

Sometimes I sit and think on social media and how it has taken over our lives. I also do some of my best writing at 1:30 in the morning. Everyday we cannot look left, right, up, or down without seeing someone with their nose buried in their phone, tablet, laptop whatever electronic devices you and I all have. We ignore whats going on around us to entertain ourselves with what is going on in everybody’s lives accept for our own lives.

We believe what the internet tells us and what those on the internet make us believe.We take for granted the word “LOVE” especially because of social media. We crave love so bad it does not matter what that person says or does, even if they are lying directly to their faces. Social Media, Facebook prime suspect number one. Does it create a buffet to choose from for love? or does it create a buffet for cheaters?

I’ve seen people after two days use the word “LOVE”. Oh they are so in love after spending a few hours on Facebook chatting and maybe a few hours talking on the phone. That is called Lust, and well desperation for regular human interaction, because you need to believe so bad someone loves you after only a few hours. We never take a step back anymore and ask ourselves, Is this relationship good for me?, what do they have to offer? Are they gonna be there for the good times and the bad?.

These things have made Facebook a buffet for Cheaters, and Lovers alike. Now the people who do not care about others feelings have an easy way in. They see a status how heartbroken someone is over an ex lets say. They come to their rescue sorry for the magic reference ta dah !!! With replies to statuses, like are you alright? do you need someone to talk to? I am so sorry this could happen to you, I am here for you, Usually as I notice its usually the same excuse the term thirsty men doing the same thing and on several women’s statuses. Over and over if the person is just having a bad day they can keep on insisting you talk to them, until finally one day you give in. This is a bad start already.

So finally they convince you to go out on a date, and 2 dates later the next week the man has her convinced shes in love. He will usually be the controlling, obsessed type who will post everyday on her wall if he sees any other guys giving her photos attention to say stuff, again like of there’s my sexy baby, or I love you so much baby. They do not give the lady the room and the space to sit back and think. Then a month later she catches him cheating, but he comes back with every excuse in the book. It has only happened once, I am not in love with her, I am still in love with you, and the all famous I will never, ever do it again “I PROMISE”.

Then a week later they are into your private lives, asking every-time you get on the phone, Who are you on the phone with, or if someone comments on your photos asking who the guy commenting is. They will say well it is not you, but their ex cheated on them so it makes them “INSECURE”. They are going to then probably in a few weeks become very accusatory, tell you that you never went to the store, that you were out cheating. When in all reality you might have been doing what I am doing right now, and that is writing a blog about how Facebook is a buffet for cheaters. Remember the accuser is usually the one cheating well in my experience about 99.9 percent of the time. They feel guilty about what they did so they run it off on you like your the one to blame for them cheating.

I have seen some Facebook or online dating work, but in my experience that seems like a fleeting thing. We want to be lovers by nature so we expect others want the same exact thing even if it means jumping off a bridge with them. We all want someone we can cozy up to and cuddle at night, or watch a good TV show. Someone we can go out with on Friday nights to dinner maybe shopping and a movie. Those are the types of that us as humans and those with actual regular emotions expect and want. Typical human desire makes us crave intimacy even if it means settling for someone less than we all deserve.

Do not Settle from now on. I worked for a company that had a 4 second rule to safety it was take 4 seconds before you do anything in the factory scan your enviroment make an assesment and than proceed with caution still. Maybe Love should have a 4 month rule the rule of no jumping into the I love yous right away, or no moving in with them after only 2 weeks. We will call it the 4 months til I love you rule. That way you can really know if the person is about you or just getting well in your pants for lack of better words. And for God sakes do not propose to the person after a few days… Thats when you really know things are bound to fail.

Anyways those were just a few thoughts before I hit the sack here and sleep. Hopefully you all have a great night if you agree share and follow my blog.

Thank you,

Brian

 

Anxiety and how it takes over.

Years ago after my divorce with my kids mother I discovered that I could not control everything. This bothered me so greatly. I felt as if I was losing part of my life and things were spinning out of control. Control was something I always seemed to have until that point as I was always a very competitive athlete all my life. I was usually able to control the outcome of an at bat or a game. I never took the word lose very lightly. I would kick dirt throw my helmet in the dugout if things started to go wrong and I felt like I was losing control. I would always try to rally the troops. But with divorce I could not do this the courts had control over everything including visitation. It disturbed me not having control for the first time in my life. I was losing being able to see my kids full time to becoming a weekend dad.

Over the years I tried to learn I could not control everything, no matter how hard I wanted to control things, I tried to tell myself over and over again eventually things would be alright. Those thoughts would paralyze me at times lay me up in bed, as I tried to get through the mess of losing control and seeing my kids only on weekends. This drove me nuts still does at times as I want to be the real father I know I can be.

Now as i get older I feel like I only have a few real friends who support me and understand that at times my anxiety gets the best of me. Losing friends over the years was another thing I could not control. So when I do have friends who are always there it really makes a world of difference to me. But the thing I fear the most is those friends will someday leave find significant others, and i will be alone in the world to navigate once more. That Scares me alot. This is why I discovered that the one thing I have that is a constant in my life no matter what is my photography, I can capture one moment in time and go back look and relive that moment in my head.

this year with the surgery I had no control, without it I would lose use of my left arm. This made my anxiety act up in the worst way, and the healing process has been long and out of my control. I always hate when I have no control It makes me feel like there must be some way and than my mind goes into overdrive. I think most of the things I think are mostly big what ifs . Like what if I have no more control, what if I cant make the best of myself anymore. What if people think my photography is crap? All scary thoughts and we let thoughts like that get worse and worse til we are almost paralyzed with fear.

Like I said I watched Friends move on and now when I have friends sometimes I think I drive them nuts. I try to be the friend who knows everything, the friend who needs the attention because of friendships Ive lost I think I try to replace those and keep the ones I now have.  The one constant i have had by my side this past year is my one friend and my son. Ive watched my son become the competitive athlete I once was and it makes me very very proud, He has shown me things even I did not know he is a very smart kid, although maybe he lets his ego shine through sometimes, but that was me at his age.

Hopefully this explains a little bit about how I feel when things seem out of control for me so people get a little bit more of an understanding of me.

What would you miss?

 

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So I am reading a book called station eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. About a pandemic called the Georgia Flu that nearly wipes out mankind. Behind is left abandoned places, with no electricity, or running water etc… She poses an interesting question in the book. If this really happened and we had limited resources, and we were forced to use horses, hunt and scrounge for water clothing etc… What would you miss most.

I am really not sure what I would miss most. Today everything is stored in modern forms of media such as computers. People really do not go to the library, or take photographs put them in albums. I think I would miss forms of visual stimulation such as photographs. Photographs tell the stories of where we have been, who we are and were. They tell most of our modern history. I am sure we would eventually lose visual forms of art to vandals and thieves. What would be left are the images in our heads.

We would lose most modern music and have to rely on what instruments we had left to entertain. We would rely on the old fashioned play, no more television, or going on YouTube for entertainment. We would have storytellers again, people who would tell stories of the past we would have to rely on their memories to provide us some of our human history. I am sure some of us would probably lose the skills to read or write to communicate.

I would probably miss being able to travel where you wanted to go on a whim and seeing friends and talking to friends from distances. We would not have cellular phones or Skype. We would not be able to just turn a key and go visit those friends when we want to. We would have to go back to letter writing and delivery services such as the Pony Express again. I would miss everyday conversation quite a bit. Really we do not know how lucky we are to be able to use phones, and social media to keep up with what is going on with our friends.

We would probably miss going shopping for the goods we need. We would have to learn new skills to survive, We would not be able to go to Walmart or the Mall to get clothing, or food or supplies we need for everyday living. We would have to learn to hunt, fish, sew and make items we needed to even travel from place to place. We would have to fabricate parts we needed for wagons etc…

 

Being able to go to a ballgame with my kid, or take them places like amusement parks. We would not be able to do any of that anymore. our entertainment would be limited, and we would again have to rely on old forms of entertainment that would probably be very new to most of the modern generations who have probably never even been to a play for entertainment.

Anyways just a few thoughts as into how life might be had we lost everything we know. What would you miss most?

My Hometown and simpler times

I was remembering my hometown tonight when I sat down at Steak and Shake with my friend Omar. We sat and talked about how things have changed within the past 30 years or so. I grew up in a suburb of Chicago called Bartlett, Illinois. Not much ever seemed to change. Of course over time we made new friends. Some stayed in our lives and some well I never knew what happened to them after I left.

I grew up in Bartlett until I was about 13 years old. I seemed to grow up on a very simple block, everyone knew everyone, and families always seemed to know where we were because they all communicated with one another almost on a daily basis. Our block was nice but most of the boys on my block were all older, and growing up some of them took us under their wings. They taught us how to skateboard, or they would throw the ball around with us normal boy stuff.

I had mainly friends who were girls in my neighborhood because those were all the kids around my age. I had my Friend Dina your typical girl who was kind of the smart ass athlete though. She was more a tomboy growing up with our group. She played baseball, running bases, soccer, sometimes even a football game with us. We would ride our bikes up and down the block, play on each-others swing sets. We really never worried about getting injured when we played.

We would go to the park right down the road. The parks back then were not these plastic parks you see now. We had the cage rocket ship slide made of metal, swing sets and monkey bars also made of metal. If we got hurt we went home got bandaged up and were right back at the park in 5 minutes. Like most kids we were a bit reckless and our parents knew where we were, and knew atleast one of us if not all of us were coming home with bumps, scrapes, and cuts. We understood doing stupid tricks might cause injury but we were kids. We did not want to sue the world because the playground was metal, or because we got injured just being kids.

The park was divided by a creek with woods on one side where many spring and summer days we spent playing war in the woods trying to build forts, and finding wood to build bridges to cross the creek. My first kiss was by that creek and it was with a girl named Melanie. Across that creek was a field with hills we also used to play tag and war and hide and seek. At the back of the field was an old rusted out propane tank apparently once meant for a house of some sort. but it was long abandoned and we used it to sit inside of and have juvenile conversations, Probably conversations to those similar to the conversations in the movie Stand By Me.

Another few girls I grew up with were Scooter, Sissy and Robin all sisters. We all kind of had our own cliche and knew almost what one another were thinking at times. I once climbed a tree in Scooters backyard and they had and old jeep body leaning against the back of their garage the branch snapped and i fell onto the jeep body. I am sure I probably cried but in 5 minutes we were back to playing.

Many summer nights were taken up by us playing baseball in the street, many times we played until we could no longer see where the ball was. Many times we would hit the ball into the “Old Geezers” yard. He was an mean old fool of a man who rented the house across the street with him and his wife. We would run quickly into his yard trying to avoid being seen so we did not experience his wrath and he would tell us how we should not hit the ball into his precious yard and yell and scream and throw a fit. Of course like the movie Wayne’s World, we had to move every time a car would come down the road. Most of the times those cars were neighbors returning home from shopping or work and would always wave to us kids. About half way through the baseball games in the evening the ice cream man would come down the road where each of us had a dollar for ice cream, My ice cream of choice was almost always the screwball with the gumball at the bottom.

After it got nearly dark our parents were usually by this point yelling for us to come in for dinner. We had no cell phones no pagers just good old fashioned loud parents who made their voices heard. We seemed to always rush through dinner on a summer night when we did not have school the next day. We tried to get back outside because it was time for the fireflies to come out. then afer that we would usually play a few rounds of ghost in the graveyard.

Some summer days we spent riding our bikes to Lizzie’s which was the local ice cream parlor and gag gift store, I bought my first can of fart spray there and I sprayed it on Dina’s bicycle seat, Her father Wayne did not find it so funny. Wayne could be a smart ass but we as children respected him because he had a very authoritative voice . He actually made me clean her bike… Funny thing years later I went to my Junior Prom with Dina.

Alot of days we also took our bikes to the Baseball Card shop on almost a daily basis. We collected baseball cards for a very long time and well trading cards with the other kids on the front stoop of the shop kinda became a staple of everyday life. The people who owned the shop always welcomed us in and never said a cross word to any of us. After the baseball card shop we would sometimes go to the drug store get candy and garbage pail kids. The hot dog joint Annie’s was right next door and we always went there for fries or a drink. Tcby was in the same complex for those who do not know what Tcby is it means the countries best yogurt it was a frozen yogurt shop and sometimes we would go there to, I stil know of one in chicago if your ever into finding frozen yogurt shops.

Sometimes we would go to the railroad station and we would of course be kids watch the trains pass count the cars, but the real motive was putting pennies on the tracks and having them flattened, Sometimes it would take us a few minutes to find the pennies in the rocks after. But we had fun social media, the internet did not exist. So we actually had to physically make contact with people, go outside and play and get exercise and fresh air. I loved growing up in that era because now we hide behind keyboards and we find love online. We do not date the old fashioned way anymore and everyone wants to move to the next level in a few weeks. Kids are now trying to grow up acting like thugs on the internet, and we as parents act like well they are just being kids. We should ban them all from the internet their phones for a month I guarantee they would be different at the end and see the importance of actual human interaction.

Anyways getting tired as I am sitting here typing this and I am sure I have plenty more memories to share but these were just a few thoughts that crossed my mind… hope you all read and enjoy.