Years ago after my divorce with my kids mother I discovered that I could not control everything. This bothered me so greatly. I felt as if I was losing part of my life and things were spinning out of control. Control was something I always seemed to have until that point as I was always a very competitive athlete all my life. I was usually able to control the outcome of an at bat or a game. I never took the word lose very lightly. I would kick dirt throw my helmet in the dugout if things started to go wrong and I felt like I was losing control. I would always try to rally the troops. But with divorce I could not do this the courts had control over everything including visitation. It disturbed me not having control for the first time in my life. I was losing being able to see my kids full time to becoming a weekend dad.
Over the years I tried to learn I could not control everything, no matter how hard I wanted to control things, I tried to tell myself over and over again eventually things would be alright. Those thoughts would paralyze me at times lay me up in bed, as I tried to get through the mess of losing control and seeing my kids only on weekends. This drove me nuts still does at times as I want to be the real father I know I can be.
Now as i get older I feel like I only have a few real friends who support me and understand that at times my anxiety gets the best of me. Losing friends over the years was another thing I could not control. So when I do have friends who are always there it really makes a world of difference to me. But the thing I fear the most is those friends will someday leave find significant others, and i will be alone in the world to navigate once more. That Scares me alot. This is why I discovered that the one thing I have that is a constant in my life no matter what is my photography, I can capture one moment in time and go back look and relive that moment in my head.
this year with the surgery I had no control, without it I would lose use of my left arm. This made my anxiety act up in the worst way, and the healing process has been long and out of my control. I always hate when I have no control It makes me feel like there must be some way and than my mind goes into overdrive. I think most of the things I think are mostly big what ifs . Like what if I have no more control, what if I cant make the best of myself anymore. What if people think my photography is crap? All scary thoughts and we let thoughts like that get worse and worse til we are almost paralyzed with fear.
Like I said I watched Friends move on and now when I have friends sometimes I think I drive them nuts. I try to be the friend who knows everything, the friend who needs the attention because of friendships Ive lost I think I try to replace those and keep the ones I now have. The one constant i have had by my side this past year is my one friend and my son. Ive watched my son become the competitive athlete I once was and it makes me very very proud, He has shown me things even I did not know he is a very smart kid, although maybe he lets his ego shine through sometimes, but that was me at his age.
Hopefully this explains a little bit about how I feel when things seem out of control for me so people get a little bit more of an understanding of me.